Last week I mentioned Stephen Covey, author of one of the world’s most successful books, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey produced a series of 7 Habits, including The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Over the next few weeks, we will explore the seven habits recommended for families.

Habit one is Be Proactive. To quote Covey, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”. When we are faced with a family situation we can respond reactively or proactively. It’s easy to get sucked into overpowering emotion and react in ways we later regret.
Alternatively, we can develop our capacity to momentarily pause and respond in a way that influences the situation. For example, parents who react to their child’s behaviour with criticism and constant scolding, lose influence with their child, and the behaviour escalates. But if they were to pause and consider what is driving the reaction in themselves, they will begin to discover that they have freedom of choice to respond to their child in a better way.

We are all born with the benefit of self-awareness, conscience, imagination, independent will and humour to support us in choosing our response. Our self-awareness allows us to take a perspective where we observe our own actions and thoughts then step in to make changes. Our conscience or inner voice, prompts us to evaluate our actions. Our imagination gives us the ability to envision a response that is entirely different from our reactions. Independent will is the power to take action. It supports us in resisting the urge to act impulsively and helps us strive for perspective and control. Humour allows us to laugh at our shortcomings and gets us back on track much faster than guilt trips. My children learnt the value of humour when they were very young. They realised if they responded by making silly faces, their father’s reprimand would quickly turn into inevitable laughter!

The essence of proactivity lies in taking responsibility. Think about responsible as ‘response-able’, able to choose your response. We do this by focusing on the things we can actually do something about. Covey describes the circle of concern and the circle of influence. The reactive tendency is to purely focus on our circle of concern, those things we are upset about. This is generally viewed through a victim perspective where blame is externalised. Doing this causes our circle of influence to shrink. In contrast, when our focus is on our circle of influence and the changes we can make within us, our influence grows. We set in motion a transition in our family. We stop the transmission of inherited, unhealthy ways of relating, burning out intergenerational dross. The example we model contributes to the seedbed of family culture. Your commitment to be proactive rather than reactive will cultivate a greater sense of closeness and understanding within your family.

Linda Gray
0401 517 243
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au