We humans are hardwired for belonging. From the neurone pathways in our brain, to the social bonding hormone, oxytocin, our biology drives us toward social connection. We want to be a part of something, to feel connectedness to others. However, it should not come at the cost of personal authenticity.

A group of teenagers were recently asked the difference between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’. Their profound answers included: “Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you want to be but they don’t care about you.”… “Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.”
True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are. Any belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging. Belonging is not passive and simply joining or going along with others. We can feel belonging only when we have the courage to share our most authentic self with people. It’s a process that requires us to be vulnerable about our ideals and our values and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. If people don’t know what we genuinely believe or think, there’s no true belonging.
Belonging is tied to social identity—a set of shared beliefs or ideals. To truly feel a sense of belonging, you must feel a common sense of character with and among members of your group. It is not enough to be bound together by shared fear or disdain. This only creates a disconnected culture of “us and them”. This doesn’t mean that this is at the heart of every protest group. However, for protest groups to have a strong sense of connectedness, they must focus on the values and ideals that unite them, values and ideals that generate shared respect and trust.
While belongingness is an individual pursuit, it is also a community’s responsibility to create a culture where others are offered opportunity to belong. Before moving to our Mountain community, my husband and I heard several comments about how many years it would take before we would be considered “locals”. Thankfully, those remarks proved to be untrue and we felt welcomed and embraced by our new community from the moment we arrived.
The cultural history of our nation is stained with stories of isolation and exclusion. However, when we consider the current chaos and division facing many nations in the world today, we can take stock. We may have more improvements to make, but we are on a journey toward discovering how we can foster diversity and belonging through a more sensitive and inclusive society. I’m thankful that I live in a nation that works through this by consultation and discussion rather than war.
Belonging is not about conformity. Belonging is authenticity. It looks beyond diversity to the shared values and ideals that unite our friendship groups, our communities and our nation.
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243