Choosing whom we will share our life with is likely the most crucial decision we will make. How do we go about making such an important decision? Karl Pillemer is a professor of gerontology – the study of ageing. He posed this question to couples in enduring relationships. The participants in his survey had a combined total of more than 25,000 years of relationship experience. Based on their answers, he formulated the top three things you absolutely, positively need in a mate.

Forget physical attraction, the most commonly identified partner quality espoused by those who have made the journey is a willingness to talk. It’s not possible to be happily together for decades if your partner won’t talk. We are not talking about a personality trait. Not everyone is blessed with the ‘gift of the gab’. Even those who are introverted or reserved need to be able to communicate with their partner in order to have a satisfying relationship. Put simply, communication skills prevent miscommunication. 
Everyone inevitably experiences tough times. In a relationship, we shouldn’t endure tough times alone and unsupported. When personal challenges are not communicated with each other, distance grows. 

Communication allows partners to be there for one another. Not only does it provide the benefit of a shoulder to lean on, but it builds a closer bond between partners who are sharing the burden. The communication of happiness and appreciation is also equally important. Expressing happiness creates an echo chamber. It sets a joyful mood that generates more of the same, keeping the spark alive in any relationship. Choose a mate who willingly communicates in the good times as well as the tough times.

The second piece of advice offered in Pillemer’s study was to choose someone with whom you are happy with as they are. Treating your potential spouse as a do-it-yourself project is a recipe for failure. When it comes to sharing your life with someone, there will always be things that annoy you. Let’s face it, none of us is perfect. List your partner’s personality characteristics or behaviours and honestly ask yourself, “Can I live with them for a lifetime if they never change? What are my non-negotiables?” You have the choice to accept them for who they are or move on.

The third recommendation from elderly wisdom is: when selecting a mate, add rational common sense to your heart-pounding passion. Yes, believe in love but don’t be blind to practicalities. In the heat of romantic love, finances are often the last thing on your mind. However, couples’ financial lives are inextricably entwined. Since break-ups often occur due to financial problems, money management is diagnostic for a relationship’s future. Choose someone who shares a similar attitude to work and finances. What are their spending habits like? Do you find them reassuring, or are they a warning sign? It’s an important consideration.

Communication, acceptance and common sense: the ingredients of a match-making recipe gleaned from elderly wisdom. It might just be the most important recipe in grandma’s cookbook!

Linda Gray
 linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
 0401 517 243