Inevitably, most relationships settle into a routine. Predictability can be a comfort, especially if you grew up in a chaotic environment. However, if a relationship is continually predictable it inevitably leads to boredom. The power of newness and novelty reinvigorates a relationship. When you venture into uncharted territory as a team, you experience the thrill of shared adventure. Feelings of excitement send adrenaline pumping and your brain gets high on dopamine. Tapping into the “happy place” in your brain will reignite loving feelings as you experience adventure together. The memory you create becomes a story you retell with warm sentiment and fondness.

Although research supports the benefits of novelty in relationship, the probability is that one partner is more comfortable with change than the other. One partner seeks spontaneity while the other finds security in a planned schedule. A perennial struggle ensues. Novelty can be stimulating but can also be destabilising.
I often joke that in our marriage I’m the accelerator, and my husband is the brakes. Both are important for a successful journey. I appreciate how extremely important the brakes are for keeping us safe and avoiding calamity. As you probably guessed, I’m the partner who embraces newness and adventure. Over the years, however, I’ve learnt that my husband’s comfort with the familiar also needs to be honoured. I value his contribution of stability and wisdom. This ensures that we don’t take risks that come at too great a cost. He also honours my desire for adventure and courageously stretches the boundaries of his comfort zone to join me in fresh experiences. As a team we have been able to navigate life with a healthy balance of novelty and routine.
Partners who resist compromise end up following individual pursuits. The risk-seeking partner engages in new experiences alone. This can result in feelings of disconnect and two separate lives that become “me” and “you” without the “us”. When a couple reaches this point, they may begin to reconsider whether they are truly right for one another. The words “irreconcilable differences” sneak into the narrative. However, it’s not differences that cause a chasm between partners,
it’s inflexibility.
Inflexibility is one of the biggest impediments to a fulfilling relationship. The inability to adapt and accommodate a partner’s needs is typically a sign of insecurity, fear or self-doubts. If you notice inflexibility in yourself, you may benefit from seeking support to help uncover what is hindering you.
Rather than seeing the contrasting needs of your partner as a threat to the relationship, see your differences as a strength that will make your partnership stronger. The most incompatible pairings make for the strongest relationships when there is a willingness to be influenced by the other person. Experiencing the world from another’s perspective opens your eyes to new possibilities. Predictability and novelty is just one example of competing needs experienced in relationship. It’s a great starting point to practice flexibility and compromise. In doing so, you challenge yourself and build a closer relationship.
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243