I enjoy watching declutter programs and witnessing the change in people who are drowning in clutter. In the majority of these shows it doesn’t take long for underlying emotional issues to emerge. Actually, you don’t have to be a hoarder to have a stash of emotional clutter. In fact, nearly all of us have emotional clutter hiding in our inner recesses. We can try to ignore it, however, when we allow others into our life it becomes harder to hide.

What is emotional clutter and how is it created? Our life experiences have an impact on us. Circumstances and events can cause us to carry lasting, deep-seated emotions. These emotions may linger long after the event, outstaying their purpose, crowding our space, draining our energy and getting in the way of moving forward. Things like guilt, regret, insecurities, worry, grief and resentment. An over-reaction is a sure sign of emotional clutter.
Once clutter starts to accumulate, it tends to attract more clutter. When we enter a relationship our emotional clutter bumps up against another’s emotional clutter and before we know it, relational clutter is added to the pile. This includes ruminating on unresolved issues and unspoken needs; defensiveness; holding on to past hurts; harbouring grudges. It may take the form of toxic behaviours, such as criticism or yelling, that have become so habitual they go unnoticed. This clutter can build up gradually clouding your communication and hindering connection and intimacy. Ultimately, it makes closeness impossible.
Trying to tackle a cluttered house is overwhelming. Likewise emotional and relational clutter can cause us to feel overwhelmed. By applying the principle of one box at a time, we can make progress. Take responsibility for the stuff that lies in your court. Growing in self-awareness is a great starting point. We live in a world full of distractions that can keep us from dealing with what matters in life. Don’t ignore your feelings. What are you particularly sensitive about? Notice what triggers you. Journalling can be a helpful strategy to help with deepening your understanding of why you respond the way you do. It can help shine a light on your hidden clutter and create opportunity for you to deal with it. Unpacking emotional clutter can sometimes be complex so recognise when you need support.
Clutter in your relationship, just like around your home, can make it difficult to focus on what truly matters. Chances are, you’ve both contributed to the clutter so don’t be quick to judge. Take time to listen to one another, honouring each other’s perspective. Seek to gain deeper understanding of your partner’s hurts and take ownership of any pain you caused. Co-operate in the task of clearing away the things that hold you back as a couple. Choose to let go of past mistakes and focus on how you want your relationship to be. By decluttering your emotional world, you will create an environment where you and your relationships can flourish.
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243