After my dad passed away some years ago, his cousin sent me details of his family tree going back ten generations. It piqued my interest. Dad had once told me that his mother claimed that they had descended from royalty. It seemed a strange claim given that his dad was a coal miner and the family with four children lived in a tiny one bedroom miner’s cottage.

I decided in honour of dad that I would follow his ancestor trail further back in history. I didn’t have far to search. Surprisingly, the grandfather of the last person on his cousin’s list turned out to be an earl. Following his line took me to an impressive list of kings and queens in Scotland, England and all around Europe. My dad’s humble roots were not so humble after all!
Our family tree is an indelible legacy in shaping who we are. We carry the genes of our forebears and the baseline values and lessons of our upbringing. Depending on your experience, your family roots may be regarded as a blessing or a curse. Boris Milat, the only sibling to publicly denounce his brother Ivan, was embarrassed by his family and chose to change his name to Millar. In contrast, Australia has influential family dynasties with success in spheres such as media, sport, art, mining, pastoralism, that we may harbour a wish we could be grafted into.
Whether your upbringing was one of privilege or lack, closeness or distance, function or dysfunction: your early experiences do not determine who you are nor the path you carve for yourself as an adult. You are not simply a product of your environment, nor are you defined by it. Your background does not have to be your accepted norm. I have met many people who have endured childhood abuse, neglect and rejection. Despite this, they made a choice to choose a divergent path. Yes, they carry scars that may never totally heal, but their scars motivate them toward a better future.
If you are a parent, you are the architect of your family’s culture. Rather than falling into unintended patterns, be purposeful in the culture you create. Reflect on what is important to you. Discuss with your partner the values, priorities, habits and experiences you want to create for your family. Have a clear vision of what you are trying to achieve. What aspects of your family of origin do you wish to emulate and which do you want to avoid? Determine not to repeat the mistakes of the past.
Regardless of how you began life, the way you live and the person you become is determined by you. Don’t put limits on yourself; seek out new opportunities and try new things. Perhaps you grew up with a ‘coal miner’s daughter’ mentality, with a belief that people from your side of the tracks aren’t influential. It’s possible you carry the genes of people who ruled the world! Don’t underestimate your latent potential!
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243