If you have watched the movie A Few Good Men, you will no doubt recall the iconic court room scene where, under cross examination by Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson shouts out “You can’t handle the truth!” Underlying this statement is an assumption that covering up the ugliness of reality is the honourable thing to do. While it enhances the drama of the movie, when it comes to real life, this assumption creates unwanted drama in relationships.

There are various reasons why people withhold information from those in their inner circle. Parents justifiably need to filter the information they give their kids. Children do not have the cognitive maturity to process adult themes. They do not filter information through the prism of education, socialisation, and life experience as we do. Often times, they blame themselves because they have no other point of reference of why these events occur. Their brains go into emotional overdrive or even shutdown when exposed to the ‘uglier’ aspects of reality. That’s why it’s important to protect our children when it comes to what they view on media and the internet.

Exposure to trauma in childhood leads to significant changes in the developing brain. Structural changes alter the size of specific brain regions. A proven structural change that trauma produces is the enlargement of the amygdala, the alarm centre of the brain. This means the brain is constantly alert, wired for danger. Into adulthood it continues to anticipate and be sensitive to any hint of physical or emotional danger, including perceived criticism or rejection. Functional changes in the developing brain alter activity of certain brain regions. These include overproduction of stress hormones in childhood that leads to depletion in adulthood of hormones necessary to tolerate and recover from stressful situations encountered in daily life.

Within adult relationships, sensitivity to a perceived attack combined with a reduced capacity to tolerate a stressful situation is a recipe for unhealthy conflict. It creates an environment where others don’t feel free to share their perspective for fear of how it will be received. They believe that the honourable thing to do is to withhold their truth and avoid any drama. This prevents authenticity and creates a barrier that can leave us feeling isolated and alone in our struggles.

If you experienced a traumatic childhood that has left you struggling in your adult relationships, the good news is that change is possible. Previously presumed to represent irreversible damage, neuro-scientific research is discovering that changes to the brain caused by exposure to trauma can be reversed. Trauma-based therapy can support you to create new neural pathways that increase your brain’s resilience to threat.

The journey to healthier relationships begins with awareness and understanding of how we are all impacted by our past experiences. Emotions that arise are frequently not about what is happening in our present. Realising your triggers opens opportunity to respond to another’s truth in a way that grows understanding and brings a new closeness.

Linda Gray
0401 517 243
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au