Learning a new language is difficult! Our son has lived in Germany for five years. He knows the basics of the German language to survive – enough to order a meal or ask where the toilets are – but he is not fluent in the language. However, some people are blessed with the ability of being multilingual. Often, they have grown up in a multilingual culture and their brain has developed in this area from an early age.

We all grow up in a unique family culture that speaks its own language. Not a unique verbal language but a language of expectations, rituals, communication patterns, ways of relating. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, identifies the different languages we use to experience and express love. They include: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gift giving. Chapman suggests we all have a primary language which is the most important to us. Unless we reflect on what our unique language is, we may not realise what our own needs are when it comes to feeling loved.

We tend to unconsciously give love in the way we prefer to receive love. In typical relationships there are two people who speak differing love languages. Problems develop when we keep expressing love our way and fail to express love in the other person’s love language. This can result in unmet expectations and disappointment. We miss loving gestures expressed by the other person because they are not on our radar. Likewise, our gestures do not feel acknowledged or appreciated, which results in resentment.

A clash of languages is not an irreconcilable difference. Both partners can learn to become bi-lingual. Analyse what your partner complains about most often and what they request from you. To discover your partner’s love language, you must begin to observe the way they express love to others. Do they put a lot of effort into gift-giving, coming up with thoughtful gifts that show how well they know the person? Do they encourage and praise often? Do they go out of their way to do tasks for others? Do they enjoy physical closeness? Do they clear their diary and devote chunks of time to those they care about? Better communication can be accomplished when you demonstrate caring to the other person in the love language the recipient speaks and understands.

Another way couples can cope with having contrasting love languages is by speaking up for their needs. If you like to receive love through quality time, then let your partner know that you want scheduled time to spend exclusively with them. It’s normal to have different languages, but the key is to be clear about what you need versus assuming that the other person should know without being told.

Learning one another’s love language provides a road map to a satisfying relationship. Over the years, your love languages will tend to blend together forming a unique expression of bond between the two of you.

Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243