A paradigm is a basic set of assumptions from which we function. They make our processing of information and responding a more streamline process. Paradigm shift occurs when we make a change in our usual way of thinking or doing, replacing it with a new and different way. We sometimes experience significant situations where we suddenly see our priorities in a different light. It could be a life-threatening crisis, a life transition such as becoming a parent, taking on a new career, beginning retirement. In these events our fundamental paradigms can change significantly.

Minor paradigm shifts, however, occur when we take the opportunity to hear another’s perspective. Stephen Covey, in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, tells the story of a mini paradigm shift he experienced while travelling on a New York subway.

“People were sitting quietly — some reading newspapers, some lost in thought, some resting with their eyes closed. It was a calm, peaceful scene. Then suddenly, a man and his children entered the subway car. The children were so loud and rambunctious that instantly the whole climate changed.

“The man sat down next to me and closed his eyes, apparently oblivious to the situation. The children were yelling back and forth, throwing things, even grabbing people’s papers. It was very disturbing. And yet, the man sitting next to me did nothing.

“It was difficult not to feel irritated. I could not believe that he could be so insensitive to let his children run wild like that and do nothing about it, taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see that everyone else on the subway felt irritated, too. So finally, with what I felt was unusual patience and restraint, I turned to him and said, “Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?

“The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly, “Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

“Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behaviour; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. “Your wife just died? Oh, I’m so sorry. Can you tell me about it? What can I do to help?” Everything changed in an instant.”

Perhaps you can relate to Stephen’s encounter. We’ve all had occasions where our assumptions about a situation have proven false. In those moments we have the opportunity to listen to another’s story and change our attitude and behaviour. Make sure you don’t miss the opportunity!

Linda Gray
0401 517 243
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au