Last weekend we attended a family celebration in a park. The weather was perfect and consequently, it was very busy, and finding a parking spot was a challenge. We came across a gravel section of parallel parked cars. We decided we could squeeze in at the end, however, we had to park on an angle, nosing into the bush in order to fit. Three hours later we returned to the car. The original cars had vacated and, to our surprise, every car that now filled the car park perfectly matched the angle of our car. Unwittingly, we had influenced how every other driver chose to park their car.

Knowingly or unknowingly, all of us hold a degree of personal power at our disposal. Most people do not like to be told that they are powerful. We are inherently suspicious of power because it has overtones of domination or having an advantage over another. It suggests coercion or intimidation, which forces others into doing what they might not otherwise do. However, a more accurate understanding of power is to see it as a capacity to influence. It enables us to make things happen.

There are different types of power. We all carry sources of personal power. They include our gender, age, size, physical attractiveness, personality, charisma, experience, reputation, language skills, financial resources, knowledge, competence. Positional power is imparted through our roles, exemplified in positions such as manager, police officer, teacher. This power is enhanced by others’ perception, admiration and respect. Their decision to follow our example gives us referent power.

Everyone has a measure of power but we do not all have it to the same degree. Too often we presume an equality of power that is not really there. There is an imbalance of power in almost every interaction. Since we cannot avoid imbalances of power we need to know how to handle the inequality. An imbalance does not necessitate exploitation.

One of the most important self-examinations we can do is acknowledge our power, for we are most at risk of misusing our influence when we minimise or ignore it. In her book At Personal Risk, Marilyn Peterson documented professionals who refused to accept the intrinsic authority in their role and were unclear about the extent of their personal power. They tended to misuse their role and abuse their power in ways that violated the boundaries of those they worked with. Peterson says that even when the less powerful person in the relationship tries to manipulate the situation, the greater burden of moral responsibility lies with the person with the greater power. This person is obliged to ensure that proper boundaries are maintained because he/she has the power and resources to do so.

We cannot divest our power, but we can acknowledge it and use it in ways that benefit and empower others. Rather than “power over”, our personal influence can be directed toward liberating others to live life with less limitations, supporting them to find their own power.

Linda Gray
0401 517 243
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au