I was recently driving behind a vehicle that made a sudden swerve to the left. I followed the same path, thinking that there was something to be avoided on the road. The road was clear. Seconds later, the car veered to the left yet again. It didn’t take long to work out the pattern; it occurred every time a car approached from the opposite direction. I began thinking about the driver and what they had perhaps been through to trigger this response. Possibly they were experiencing post-trauma from a serious collision in which a car had crossed into their path. This could explain why they seemed to lack trust in other drivers to keep to their side of the road.

We typically begin our relationships with a level of assumed trust, just as a learner driver takes to the road and trusts that other drivers will keep to their lane. We make a judgement about a person, and if they seem trustworthy to us, we begin to invest in the relationship. We cruise along, enjoying the ride and the pleasure that comes with connection. We feel safe with this person. Life is good.

Inevitably, every relationship will hit a bump in the road. For some, it is a minor altercation resulting in repairable damage. Our trust in the person may suffer in the short term, but it is soon restored. Some of the couples who present to my office have experienced a major incident. A betrayal can be like a wrecking ball that smashes to pieces any trust. The injured partner questions every belief prior to the incident. They feel disorientated, confused, and have little to no hope for the relationship. 

The emotional injury requires care and time to heal. If the relationship is to survive, trust needs to be rebuilt. Instead of assumed trust, the relationship now relies on earned trust. This requires total transparency and accountability. It is normal for the injured partner to be hyper-vigilant, becoming anxious if her partner is a few minutes late home or is delayed in responding to a text. Some couples give up at this point because the involved partner feels that the injured partner will never trust them again. 

Recovering from a betrayal is similar to the post-traumatic stress associated with a car accident. Once we are well enough to drive, we get behind the wheel, and our trust tank is running on empty. We don’t trust other drivers to keep to their lane, and our driving can be erratic as a result. As we persist in driving and witnessing other drivers doing the right thing, our anxiety decreases, and our confidence is re-established. 

Recovery from betrayal is possible if the couple is committed to the process. It requires from the involved partner remorse, patience, openness and a willingness to sit with their partner’s pain. The injured partner needs to give themself time to heal, surround themselves with those who will support their decisions and reassure themselves that they will make a full recovery.

Linda Gray
 linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
 0401 517 243