Most people who experience any form of rejection or abandonment in childhood enter adulthood oblivious to the impact rejection has on how they live. You may have experienced rejection in different ways: criticism; withheld affection; disappointment expressed toward you; things said that undermined your confidence; favouritism is shown to your siblings; bullying. These experiences sow into our insecurities which manifest in our beliefs about ourselves, our behaviour, and also in how we connect with others.

How do you know if the rejection is behind the scenes, influencing choices you make as an adult? Here are some typical indicators: difficulty asserting oneself; excessive need for approval; feeling intimidated in the presence of confident people; oversensitivity to criticism; avoiding competition for fear of failure; overachieving in an effort to prove yourself; underachieving to avoid envious repercussions. 

Childhood rejection hugely influences our adult relationship choices. Deep-rooted feelings that we are undeserving of love can sabotage any promising relationship. Anticipated rejection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We generally try to hide our insecurities and mask our true feelings, which then creates distance between us and those we want to get close to. Perhaps rejection has turned you into a people-pleaser, and this sets you up for a hierarchal relationship where your needs are sacrificed for the other person. Fear of abandonment may even keep us locked in an abusive relationship.

The good news is that as you start to notice childhood insecurities surface, you can reflect on these and decide whether you are going to allow them to keep pushing your buttons. Reflection is simply increasing our awareness of our unconscious behavioural habits. Their influence in our lives is reduced as we subject them to our reflective scrutiny and gives us an opportunity to make a change.

Sometimes it’s easy to identify the source of our rejection. You might have vivid memories of being put down, experiencing bullying, or being left out. Sometimes joining the dots isn’t so easy. You can relate to being caught in a rejection cycle but past hurts are buried so deep that it seems impossible to revisit them, not that you would want to. Regardless of whether or not there is clarity concerning your rejection, you are still in a position to free yourself from its effects.

Each one of us is a unique, individual human being – whether we are in a relationship or not. Accept and celebrate your unique individuality. Jerry Maguire (aka Tom Cruise) was wrong when he told Renee Zellweger “You complete me...” You are not half a person, searching for your other half. Your life has worth, meaning, and purpose, with or without a partner. 

The fastest way to improve your self-esteem is to start doing something that gives you a sense of purpose. Take the spotlight off yourself and point it in a direction where you want to head. Psychology has found that if we increase our capacity for kindness and begin making a valuable contribution to others, our sense of self-worth increases significantly. That sounds very much like the pathway from rejection to recovery.

Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243