In our busy world, we rarely make opportunities for self-reflection. It’s a common misconception that reflection is an activity reserved for a retreat setting where you sit cross-legged on a straw mat for hours. Self-reflection is a daily necessity if we are to keep our relationships healthy and grow as individuals. If we fail to reflect on why we do what we do, we will be doomed to rigidly repeating our pattern of behaviours

A non-reflective stance keeps us locked into our own perspective. Non-reflective thinking is very black and white. It often takes the form of blame – “I’m right, you’re wrong. If you changed, my life would be much easier.” There is little consideration as to how I might be part of the problem. This stance easily slips into a victim mode, where I feel I have no control over my situation.

Empathy is a form of reflection that brings awareness and insight into what might be happening for the other person. Empathy alone, however, will not move my position. I may understand why the person did what they did while continuing to hold a position of blame. My position does not allow me to see my contribution to the problem.

Relational reflection occurs when we broaden our perspective and see that this problem is not necessarily the fault of one person but is a dilemma occurring in the space between us. We move from projecting, blaming, and seeing the problem located in another to seeing that we co-create the problem. From this stance, reflective dialogue is possible; we think about and talk about the issue together. We share responsibility for the solution.

We can broaden our perspective even further by reflecting on the various systems that affect our behaviours. These include our family history, culture, politics, dominant narratives and beliefs. We can ask ourselves, “What patterns and themes in my greater environment have an impact on my choices, my relationships and my life? What assumptions and expectations have society conditioned in me?” The big picture perspective helps us to make connections between our personal and relational issues and the contexts that influence us.

Reflection not only involves ‘zooming out’ but also involves ‘zooming in’. Self-transcendent reflection means I look introspectively and consider my part in creating the problem. My perspective turns internal in order to identify patterns and themes that contribute to the way I engage in life and relationships. Questions to ask include “What is my contribution to this? Can I see patterns in my life whereby I often end up here? How does my way of thinking result in this kind of situation? What strategies have I developed that negatively impact how I respond to others?”

Socrates taught that an unreflective life was not worth living. Through honest examination, we can use reflection to convert our knowledge and information into wisdom, wisdom that guides us toward an improved version of ourselves. Thanks for the tip, Socrates!

Linda Gray
 linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
 0401 517 243