“I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?” If that sounds familiar, you are not alone. Saying sorry doesn’t necessarily bring reconciliation. What one person considers an apology might look very different to the person they are apologising to. The need for apology permeates all human relationships. Without apologies, offence becomes a barrier, rupturing relationships; anger escalates, pushing us to demand justice. So, what does a genuine apology look like?

There are fundamental aspects to a sincere apology, the first of which is expressing genuine regret. The offended person is experiencing painful emotions and they want you to comprehend their pain. A heart felt expression of “I’m so sorry” can convey that you understand the pain you caused. Your body language, tone of voice and facial expression are an important part of communicating your remorse. If ‘sorry’ is delivered in a package of frustration, it will come across as a demand for forgiveness.

Regret focuses on what one is sorry for. An apology has more impact when it is specific. State the behaviour you are sorry for. Sometimes we don’t actually understand what caused the hurt. You might apologise for being late home, but your partner is hurt because you neglected to phone and let them know. By being specific, your partner can clarify what it was about your actions that caused them pain.

Accept responsibility for your actions. Many apologies come with a “but...” attached. ‘Sorry but I only did that because you did this…’. Rationalisation takes the form of blaming others. You blame your behaviour on the other person’s actions. At the heart of accepting responsibility is the willingness to admit I was wrong.
Sometimes apologies require restitution. Restitution is ‘the giving of something as an equivalent for what has been lost or damaged’. Our desire for restitution is based on our need for love. After being hurt, we need reassurance that the person who hurt us still loves us. The giving of flowers won’t always solve the issue. We may be required to repair what has gone wrong. If you don’t know how, then ask the person what you can do to make things right.

Choosing to change the behaviour that led to the offence is a vital part of apology. An expression of intent to change can restore trust. We are communicating what is going on in our internal world. Despite the struggle to match our intentions, the other person knows we are at least trying. Make yourself accountable. Make a plan together to support one another with changes to any unhelpful cycles you may have fallen into. Give one another permission to feedback signs of slip-ups.

At some point we will all cause offence. If neither party extends the olive branch, the quality of the relationship diminishes. The closer the person, the deeper the hurt, the more difficult the recovery. A process that sincerely communicates our regret and desire for change will allow the rupture to heal and the relationship to once again thrive.

Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243