Habit 5 of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families is to seek first to understand… then to be understood. People do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are – or as they have been conditioned to be. We each look at the world through our own lens; our implicit assumptions about how the world is and how it should be, forged by our unique background. We assume that we are seeing the world the way it is, but in reality, it is simply our interpretation of what we see and experience.

Imagine someone insisting that you wear their prescription glasses. You give feedback that everything you see is blurred. They tell you that you have a bad attitude, and you need to try harder. Sound ridiculous? Yet it is typically how communication breakdown occurs: a difference in one another’s perspective of the same event. An interaction that fails to take into account different perspectives results in misunderstandings, judgement and criticism.

The only way to experience satisfying and rewarding family relationships is by building on a foundation of genuine understanding of one another. This is particularly important with young children who don’t have the vocabulary to explain what they are thinking. Most disconnects we have with our children, our partner or other family members, are not the result of harmful intentions. They are the result of misunderstanding. By understanding the differences in our perspectives, we can adjust our expectations accordingly.

Let’s say you have a six-year-old who is continually exaggerating and bending the truth. You might react by getting upset, lecturing her or panicking about the deceitful adult she will grow into. But if you understand that developmentally, six-year-olds are prone to exaggerate – you are less likely to overreact. Child experts agree that almost all ‘acting out’ behaviour can be explained in terms of developmental stages, unmet emotional needs, environmental changes or a combination of both. That’s why it’s important to understand what stirs up emotions leading to particular behaviour.

Understanding helps us avoid judgement. Judging causes us to interpret all data in a way that confirms our judgement. If you judge your child to be a perpetual liar, you get caught in a downward spiral of interpreting further evidence that supports your belief. This becomes a major obstacle to a healthy relationship with your child, eroding the positive influence you desire as a parent. Empathic understanding will help you avoid this trap.

It’s a common tendency to project our feelings and preferences onto those we love, however, each person needs to be loved and appreciated in their own way. The most significant understanding we can develop is how each family member expresses and receives love. Knowing and acting on this will deepen your connection and convey the unmistakable message that you truly understand who they are. Live the habit yourself and you’ll notice the impact it has on your family culture.

You have more influence than you realize!

Linda Gray
0401 517 243
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au