For many years I worked for non-profit organisations in the social services sector. I was confronted by the most challenging situations on a daily basis. Despite the risks involved, it was never a highly paid job. Many times in the office we would console ourselves with statements like: “just as well we’re not in it for the money”. This statement seemed to bring comfort that there was a more noble purpose in our choice of career. Indeed, most people in the helping professions are motivated to make a difference in the lives of others. However, psychologists argue that pure altruism doesn’t exist. If we are willing to dig a bit deeper, we would discover that our pure motivations are contaminated by underlying drivers.

All of us have a wide range of motivations, and these include our ‘shadow motives’. These are motives that sit in our unconscious and drive behaviour that meets our needs. Shadow motives are not necessarily negative unless they detrimentally affect how we do life and relate to others. Instead of being guided by values in our decision choices, we can be driven by forces that we are unaware of.

A common shadow motive is the need to be liked. This can manifest in different behaviours. We might demonstrate this by limiting our career choices to only those that we think will be well regarded and avoiding those where we may encounter opposition. In our relationships, we might have difficulty being assertive and may constantly yield to others’ opinions. Some parents have difficulty enforcing boundaries because they cannot tolerate any backlash from their children. When we are driven by a need to be liked, the temptation is to alter one’s behaviour to be more ‘pleasing’. 

Another shadow driver is the need to get everything right. This often stems from a childhood where expectations of you were high, and parental love seemed conditional. This behaviour will often manifest as workaholism or perfectionism. Feedback given is usually interpreted as criticism and is not well received. 

Likewise, a childhood where you didn’t feel safe and caregivers were unpredictable will implant a shadow need for control of your life and the world around you. This can take the form of attraction to positions where you are the sole decision-maker. There is distinct discomfort when circumstances seem out of your control. In your relationships, you may find it very difficult to reach a compromise over differing opinions.

Our needs are never absent, and it is not the needs themselves that cause us problems. It is the anxiety attached to the shadow needs that keep us stuck in unhelpful reactionary patterns of behaviour. Lurking in the shadows are unexamined anxieties such as we won’t be liked or accepted; we’ll fail or let people down; we’ll eventually be abandoned. Deeper inquiry, either through honest reflection or help from others, can shed light on your shadow motives and provide you with new opportunities to choose your course of action.

Linda Gray
 linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
 0401 517 243