How do you know something is growing? Sometimes it’s concrete and measurable. You can compare your child’s current height to last year’s measurement. You can see that your seedling has now outgrown its tiny pot. But how do you know if your relationship has grown? Recognising growth is important. It gives you confidence, encouragement, and motivation to keep putting effort into your relationship. The following indicators show that you have grown as a couple.

You don’t avoid the tough conversations. When a relationship is in a bad place, there tends to be a lot of no-go zones. Issues are brushed under the rug. Topics safe to talk about become a decreasing list and your shared life shrinks ever smaller. Healthy, growing relationships make an effort to have the difficult conversations in order to better understand each other’s perspective.
You’ve learned to work with your differences. Healthy couples don’t try to change one another into similar versions of themselves. They appreciate the other’s personality, perspectives and preferences. Instead of seeing your differences as incompatible, you see them adding strength to your partnership. You regard your coming together as a unique blend of two individuals who are equal contributors to the joint culture you are creating.
You have increased self-awareness. In every relationship there are trigger points which cause us to become defensive. Growth comes from using these moments as opportunities for reflection. To gain deeper understanding of yourself, ask “what made me react that way?” Rather than caught in a cycle of perpetual conflict, partners who take responsibility for their part in misunderstandings continually grow as individuals and as a team.
Your partnership has a sense of shared meaning. You may not agree on every topic, but you have learnt to mesh your lives. You honour and incorporate both your dreams and goals, supporting each other’s journey. You talk openly about your convictions and search for common ground on fundamental values. You have developed your own rituals and habits that are consistent with those things that are of shared importance. You both have each other’s back and present a united front to the world.
You finally appreciate that your relationship is a constant work in progress. Most of us begin a relationship thinking that there will be a certain point when we have figured everything out and then we will blissfully coast along conflict-free. You now understand that your relationship is continually dynamic. You’re both growing and changing as individuals, and that means your relationship is too. There will be times you feel close and connected, and times when you struggle to get on the same page. It’s a journey that requires ongoing commitment and effort from both of you.
If you recognise these signs in your relationship, be encouraged and assured that you’re growing together in the right direction. Perhaps you notice an area that requires attention. Have a discussion with your partner about what you’d like to see improved and collaborate together in making growth happen.
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243