It might surprise you to know that it doesn’t take huge effort to improve a relationship. Tiny changes can have a significant positive effect over time. Couples who build in small thoughtful acts as part of their daily routine are much more likely be happy and satisfied. The Gottman Institute suggest that 5.5 hours per week can make a big difference to the quality of your relationship. Try introducing the following routines into your week.

Partings: Happy couples make an effort to learn what is happening in their partner’s day before saying goodbye in the morning. This communicates your interest in them. Create your own ritual for saying goodbye – a kiss, a hug, an endearing comment or at the very least a smile. Always part on good terms as this will influence your sentiment for the rest of the day. (2mins x 5 = 10mins)
Reunions: Arriving home can be the busiest time of the day. There are so many competing demands for our attention that couples may barely acknowledge one another. If the question “How was your day?” is even brought up, it can quickly descend into whose day was worse. Research shows that genuine listening actually reduces our stress. Make time to listen, empathise, be your partner’s ally and show solidarity. (20mins x 5 = 1 hr 40mins)
Appreciation and admiration: In times of stress it’s too easy to lose sight of the admirable qualities in one another. Maintaining a relationship requires action and expression. Notice your partners positive traits and gestures and verbally appreciate them. Let your positive feedback far outweigh your negative feedback. (5 mins x 7= 35mins)
Affection: When you cuddle someone you care about, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin that calms you and makes you more likely to deal better with stress, boosts the immune system and helps with blocking pain. It also brings you closer together so make it part of your daily ritual. (5mins x 7= 35mins)
“Us” Time: Claiming regular time for just the two of you is essential for a strong partnership. Parents of young children can find this particularly challenging however make it a priority. It may be as simple as a candle lit dinner after kids’ bedtime or a coffee shop date while the kids are at training. Use the time to check in with one another and discuss your hopes and dreams. (2 hours)
State of the Union Meeting: Have a designated time each week to discuss any areas of concern. Unresolved disagreements can fester if not addressed but knowing that you have an opportunity to raise these keeps resentment at bay. Processing misunderstandings means to talk about an incident without getting upset about it again. Give one another the freedom to discuss fears and disappointments so you both feel truly heard rather than neglected. (30 mins)
Practising these small things regularly each week fosters positive feelings that accrue to create a more satisfying, closer relationship.
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243