One of the common complaints I hear from clients is that their partner doesn’t know them. They will often feel that their partner has failed to notice how much they have changed over the years. The connection might have been strong in the early years but gradual drift has left them feeling like disinterested strangers. Timothy Keller says “To be loved but not known, is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved, is our greatest fear.”

What does it mean to be known? It’s not about fame or being in the limelight. To be known means that there are people in our lives who really understand us. To know and be known constitutes a relationship, whether it be with friends, parents, family members, or spouses. In many of our relationships, we are not known or understood the way we wish for. However, while yearning for closer connections, we can simultaneously sabotage our opportunities.

Most of our conversations tend to stay in the ‘safe zone’. They are informational, an exchange of data or facts. The content is relatively superficial and reveals little about ourselves. Perhaps you’re more comfortable at sticking to sharing your knowledge and adept at deflecting personal questions. This is certainly appropriate with colleagues or acquaintances but it doesn’t allow a close connection with someone. 

Closer connections come from quality conversations. Deeper understanding requires that we share our opinions and feelings and create a space where the other person can do the same. Instead of bringing your knowledge to a conversation, bring yourself. A profound way to connect with others is to be authentically you. 

 One of the biggest mistakes you can make in any relationship is to masquerade as someone other than who you truly are. It ensures that you never experience the gift of being really known. Authenticity requires taking a risk, but anything worthwhile in life involves risk.

How do you interact with others? If you are longing for deeper friendships you might have to be the one to initiate this. The people you engage with are like you – they have the same desire to be known. Being interested and curious in people invites them to come out of their shells and reveal more of themselves. We give others a valuable gift when we take the time to get to know them. We also create an opportunity for them to reciprocate. Let your guard down and share your hopes and dreams and eagerly listen to the other person’s heart. This sends a message that you care about this person. It has the potential to accelerate a recent friendship or reinvigorate a relationship in need of repair. 

When it comes to our intimate relationships, meaningful conversations are fundamental to staying connected. It is essential to keep one another updated about our feelings and thoughts as we journey through life’s changes. If we don’t, we lose the sense of being known. To be fully known and truly loved – satisfies our deepest longing, so this week commit to a meaningful conversation.

Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243