In previous times psychologists held a common belief that by understanding facial expressions and body language we could confidently recognise emotion in ourselves and others. It’s true by increasing our self-awareness, we understand our own emotions. However, trying to interpret another’s emotion through observation is likely to result in a wrong assumption. For example, there are many emotions that could be the source of someone’s tears: grief, fear, hopelessness, anger, even joy. How we express what we are feeling can be as unique as we are.

So how do we truly know what another is feeling? We simply ask. This doesn’t mean a robotic, meaningless ‘how ya goin’?’ which generates the usual response of ‘Good!’.
When you notice someone looking out of sorts, have the courage to ask what is genuinely going on for them.
When someone responds by telling us how they are feeling and what happened to them, we become trusted stewards of their story. Brene Brown calls this “story stewardship”. Story stewardship means we’ve been entrusted with something valuable that we must treat with respect and care. We do this by listening, being curious, affirming and believing people when they tell us how they experienced something. It’s only then that we are able to connect, engage and walk alongside.
Responses that get in the way of truly hearing and building trust with another include taking-over and tapping-out. We shut people down when we take over their story and make it about us or our perception of what happened. Narrative takeover occurs when we jump in with our contribution too soon, even with the best intentions.
We hijack someone’s story and leave them feeling unheard. Narrative tap-outs range from subtle disinterest to complete shutdown. This response is usually due to our discomfort around the topic or feeling that we don’t have the energy to take on someone’s issue.
It can be difficult to listen to someone’s story of grief, harm or injustice. We want to make it better. We want to problem solve. We want to give advice. The best story stewardship in these moments is to make it explicit that you appreciate their courage in sharing their story and you are grateful they entrusted you with it. Secondly, enquire what would be helpful for them. Are they simply seeking a listening ear?
Do they need a collaborator in finding a way forward? Would they welcome the contribution of a different perspective? Advice giving is fine if it is asked for, however, unwelcome advice can damage a relationship.
When entrusted with someone’s story, check yourself before you respond. Questions to ask yourself: Am I trying to alleviate my own discomfort by jumping in here? Have I heard what this person really needs from me? You can never overstep the mark with good listening skills so remain actively engaged in listening mode until your contribution is invited. Good stewardship of stories entrusted to you results in deeper trust, closer connections and more satisfying relationships.
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243