A man made an appointment with his GP because he was concerned something was seriously wrong with his health. He explained to the doctor that his whole body was in pain. “When I touch my head, it hurts; when I touch my stomach it hurts; when I touch my arm it hurts; when I touch my leg it hurts.” Immediately the GP diagnosed the problem “I know what your issue is. You’ve got a broken finger!”

Okay, I admit this story is not true, however, it illustrates a not uncommon scenario in relationships. Make a connection with someone, and after a while a conflict occurs. We form an opinion that the person has issues. We connect with someone else and further down the track, an offence happens. We decide to avoid that person from then on, because they’ve got baggage. And so, the story continues… without realising that the source of the hurt is not the other person but it’s coming from within us.
When we bump against each other, we often expose the hurting parts of us that we didn’t know were there. Our connections with one another are opportunities to discover more about ourselves. Relationships grow us. Without relationships we would not have the opportunity nor the motivation to grow and mature. Why would we need to mature if we were an isolated soul with no connections?
What do we bring to relationships? I remember the first time I had to pass a university practical counselling exam. Being observed counselling a client (an actor) who had a random issue was nerve wracking. I was very aware of being assessed but during the course of the conversation, I managed to put that aside and focus on the person in front of me. I didn’t perform all the counselling techniques and strategies correctly, however, the feedback I received from my assessor was that I did the most important thing. I brought the gift of myself. At the time I didn’t fully appreciate what she meant by that (who else would I bring?) but over the years I’ve come to realise how important it is to give the gift of myself to others. Give to someone the gift of being fully present. Here I am, you have my full attention. I want to be here with you. I want to know and understand you. I want to be truly authentic with you so you can know and understand me. That’s true connection. That’s giving the gift of your self.
If we don’t have a healthy self to offer, we tend to shrink back from genuine connection. Think of relationships as an environment that provides opportunity to shine a light on parts of us that require attention. Harbouring hurts or feelings of unworthiness leak out in how we relate to others. Notice if you have any reactive behaviours. That’s a signal that you need to take stock of your wellbeing. Only then will you be able to give your best self to others.
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243