Steve Biddulph, author of many books on parenting and relationships, tells a poignant story that occurred as he sat by his dying dad’s bedside. His dad related an incident that happened when Steve was only a few days old. He placed Steve in a pram and proudly walked him down the main street of the small town in which they lived. He noticed that passersby were staring at him and frowning. Then some children followed behind him began making fun of him, calling out “Your dad’s your mum!” At this point Steve’s shy dad abandoned the walk and took a short cut home. His dad began to cry, and Steve realised that he was conveying to him that he had tried to be a hands-on dad. However, in the 1950’s this was not seen as a man’s role and was actively discouraged.

Thankfully, the role of fathers has evolved since the 1950s and parenting is now a shared responsibility. Despite this, in a recent survey of more than 1,000 families, two-thirds of dads desired to be more involved in the early years of parenting. They felt relieved when they had opportunity to help in a ‘hands-on’ way. The desire of dads to be more involved in caregiving is explained by recent interesting studies. Evidently, when a new baby arrives, the father’s hormones change. Dads become more placid and less competitive. They switch into caring mode, and feel happier being close to their children.

Mums can sometimes experience ambiguity in sharing parenting, particularly when their partner approaches parenting differently. The most successful co-parenting couples tend to be the ones where mum allows dad to specialise and have a unique connection with their kids rather than duplicating the same experiences. At times children will need security and will seek their primary caregiver. Other times they are seeking adventure or play and will look to the other parent. Newcastle University researched rough and tumble play with dads and kids. They found that through this activity kids learn what it means to be safe and moderate their emotions through the combined experience of excitement and safety. Once parents understand and accept that the best thing for their child is a balance of delineated but not defined roles, they tend to do well.

Other research on the role of fathers suggests that the influence of father love on children’s development is as great as the influence of mother love. Dads help children develop a sense of their place in the world, which helps their social, emotional and cognitive development and functioning. It can be as simple as attending your child’s sports, walking the dog together or sitting down and catching up with what has happened in your child’s day. These activities convey to your children that they are important, interesting and worthwhile.

To all our dads, have an awesome Father’s Day celebrating who you are and the unique and valuable contribution you make to your children’s lives.

Linda Gray
0401 517 243
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au