When you were a child, how did you express your annoyance to the adults in your life? Without the skills to communicate their viewpoint, children resort to various behaviours to flag their displeasure. My strategy of choice was the silent treatment. Whenever I was not happy I would batten down the hatches, close off all communication and take on a permanent scowl. It never achieved the desired outcome; I was usually ignored until I eventually got over it.

The silent treatment is a shift from regular relationship conversation to minimal or no engagement. It might be total silence or a passive-aggressive “whatever” attitude. I resorted to my childish technique early on in our marriage. The silent treatment may have got my husband’s attention, but it didn’t resolve any issues between us. We once had a friend staying with us who was not happy with something said. My husband was quick to apologise but her silent treatment went on for the rest of the day. The atmosphere was horribly uncomfortable, and it gave me insight into how my own behaviour had impacted those around me. I decided that day to break my unhealthy and immature pattern and learn how to communicate my desires and needs in an effective way.
Silence has significant psychological and emotional repercussions for the person on the receiving end. Being left in silence is painful, as it involves the loss of connection, love, intimacy, and family participation.
It feels unfair and unkind, leading to anger and further fighting. The darker side of silence is its potential to manipulate, punish or control. It creates a power imbalance in the relationship. The receiver can feel like they are at the silent person’s mercy. They may feel the only way for the silence to be broken is to do all the repair work by apologising, making promises, or whatever it takes for reconnection. However, when only one person is taking responsibility, resentment is sure to follow.
Silence can also be a functional response if you are feeling overwhelmed. You may be feeling really angry or hurt and wish to avoid saying something that will make the situation worse. In this case, it’s helpful for each person to take time to cool off before getting back together to discuss the issue calmly.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who resorts to silence, try this response: “I’m feeling hurt and frustrated that you aren’t speaking to me. I would like us to find a way to resolve this.” This invitation lets them know that their feelings are important and paves the way for open conversation. On reflection, as a child I wanted someone to notice and ask why I was unhappy. Perhaps you are a person who lapses into bouts of silence. Start a conversation with “I know I’ve been quiet lately and that’s not fair to you. The truth is I’m hurt and confused. Can we talk about it?” Establish a new pattern of expressing your needs and it will benefit you and your relationships.
Linda Gray
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
0401 517 243