I was recently driving down the Tamborine-Oxenford Rd after it had been resurfaced. Descending down the steep section, two cars side by side were approaching on their way up the mountain. I started to question if I was far enough to the left and if the road was wide enough for us to all pass safely. A strange reaction from someone who has confidently driven for four decades. What was the source of my anxiety? The absence of a thin, white line delineating one side of the road from another.

It’s amazing to think that the presence of a white line which goes virtually unnoticed in our day-to-day driving, is responsible for keeping everyone calm and secure. It provides a clear boundary that enables us to drive with certainty, knowing we are keeping within our allocated zone. Only when it’s taken away do we realise the importance of a seemingly insignificant painted line. 

Boundaries in relationships are like the thin white line that drivers rely on. When boundaries are healthy and functioning, we barely notice them. Clear demarcation exists between where one person ends and the other begins. Boundaries help people define their individuality and what they will or will not hold themselves responsible for. This means taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions while NOT taking responsibility for the actions or emotions of others. You recognise that you are not responsible for another’s mood. However, you are responsible for ensuring that you do not violate their boundary, which has the potential to be a source of pain.

Clear communication about our specific needs will avoid the uncertainty that comes with murky boundaries. For example, you might have an aversion to raised voices while your partner is accustomed to high-spirited debate and considers increased volume as a sign of enthusiasm. Instead of avoidance, communicate clearly that you’re not okay with raised voices during clashes of opinions. Also, be clear about what the consequence will be if your boundary is not respected. For example, I’ll be taking a walk if your volume increases. It is imperative that you follow through on the consequences of any boundary violation. Not following through shows your partner that you don’t respect your own boundaries — and if you don’t respect your boundaries, why should they?

We all have some boundaries that are solid, non-negotiable lines, while other boundaries are more like the broken lines that allow a driver to cross over when overtaking or changing direction. These boundaries have the flexibility and may be negotiated with consent. They may change over time, so it’s important to keep one another updated on changes in your perspective and position on matters.

Marked roads offer a safe zone to drivers, reducing the possible occurrence of accidents, damage to property and potential harm to people. Likewise, clearly communicated personal boundaries that are mutually respected help both partners feel safe in a relationship. They avoid unnecessary havoc and keep relationships strong.

Linda Gray
 linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
 0401 517 243