This week we look at Habit 4 in Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. ‘Think win-win’ is the fundamental paradigm of seeking mutual benefit. Our society is saturated with ‘win-lose’: all forms of sports, job applications, television contests, education ranking systems. All this competitiveness seeps into family life. When parents are more concerned about having their own way than in building a relationship, nobody wins.

It’s easy for parents to set up a win-lose dynamic. Let’s face it, as parents we are generally wiser, bigger and stronger. It’s much easier to go for win-lose and have your own way. But what happens when your children become teenagers? Will they be clear-thinking adolescents empowered to make good choices on their own? Or will they be so engaged in the reactive struggle, so focused on “winning” that they fail to connect with their own inner wisdom?

Alternatively, you may default to the lose-win option, taking the path of least resistance by continually giving in to your child’s demands. This ultimately becomes lose-lose as your child reaps the consequences of myopic decisions without the perspective of a parent’s guidance and experience. The long-term loss is lack of respect for parents and a relationship based on manipulation rather than trust.

There are ways to cultivate a spirit of win-win in your home. Let your children win in the little things, matters of preference rather than matters of principle. Be open to your child’s influence. Allow them to have some choices and take a stand only on the things that really count. Interact with them around important matters. Communicate that you have their welfare in mind. Where possible, involve them in working out a solution to the issue. Together, you may be able to create a new alternative that’s better than either of your viewpoints.

Adolescents’ needs and wants are often on a collision course with parents’ expectations. This is an opportunity for a discussion between parties about needs and concerns with an attitude of desiring to reach a solution. Being willing to listen and understand where your teen is coming from will help you compile a list of needs and expectations from both perspectives. This paves the way for negotiation and compromises, reaching solutions that you can both live with. Drawing up a “Win-Win Agreement” provides your teenager with clear boundaries. With an agreement in place, ongoing arguments are reduced.

Covey suggests that parenting is basically a “dissatisfaction” business. As a parent you deal with all kinds of expressions of dissatisfaction from your children while the things you do to provide the underpinnings of happiness and security go unnoticed. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that your children’s expressions of dissatisfaction represent the quality of the job you’re doing. Act on the assumption that your kids are trying their best as they see it, and this will exert a powerful influence on bringing out the best in them.

Linda Gray
0401 517 243
linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au