I confess I am a people watcher! Not in a creepy kind of way, but in a curious desire to learn more about human interactions. I find airports fascinating places (yes, just like Hugh Grant in the intro to Love Actually!). There is often emotion associated with arrivals and departures and watching this unfold, is much more interesting than the fictional drama of a soapie. I want to qualify that my observation doesn’t extend to getting close enough to listen in. That would be creepy! But I can pick up a general idea of what’s going on through observation.

When we think about communication skills, we tend to focus our attention on the words we say to one another. This is indeed important; however, we communicate in many other ways that we are sometimes not aware of. From facial expressions to body movements, what we don’t say conveys volumes of information. It is thought that body language may account for 60-65% of our communication. Research has discovered that we instinctively and constantly scan one another’s body language for cues that tell us whether we are in a safe, accepting relationship. Being aware of body language in others means that you can pick up on unspoken emotions and reactions. It’s a valuable form of feedback.

Facial expressions are our most obvious signals. A smile is normally reassuring feedback, but alternatively, it could be a forced smile, a sarcastic smirk, or a nervous reaction. It’s essential to pay attention to other cues as a group rather than focusing on a single action. What does the person’s posture tell you? Does it appear relaxed or tense, closed off with arms folded or hands-on hips in readiness for conflict? Gestures such as 
handshakes also communicate emotions. Who could forget the handshake between John Howard and Mark Latham on the eve of the 2004 election? The overly physical and dominating greeting by Latham was a defining moment – considered menacing and aggressive – and Howard went on to win the election.

While interpreting body language can be very useful, there’s certainly room for miscommunication. What we perceive as ‘negative’ feedback from others may be related to their stress, discomfort, anxiety or anger. Misinterpretation can create a cycle of conflict where ‘negative’ body language incites a negative response. The best way to respond when you pick up on negative cues is to check in with the other person about how they are feeling. Making your observations explicit can help the other person recognise and verbalise what is going on for them internally. Don’t assume that they have a problem with you.

Likewise, when you are in a deep and meaningful conversation with a loved one, check in to make sure your body language is not relaying unintended signals. How is the person feeling during your conversation? You may be exhibiting negative nuances that you are unaware of. 

Understanding and interpreting body language can help you pick up on others’ unspoken feelings while adding strength to your own communication.

Linda Gray
 linda@relationshipsanctuary.com.au
 0401 517 243